Friday, April 24, 2009
Neither Arbitrary Nor Fun Friday: Truth and Consequences Edition!
Greetings Chávezian Airspacepeople! Now that Presidente Chávez has rounded up the teabaggers and assorted dead-enders in state-of-the-art Radical FEMA Pedagogy Camps, it’s time to talk about taking the next step. Yes, that’s right, we’re going to complete the Third-World Latin-Americanization of the nation by forming a Truth Commission to investigate the use of torture by the former U.S.!
Now, I know there have been some conflicting views held by some of you regarding the need for complete security in this matter. So today we’re going to interrupt the random series known as “Arbitrary But Fun Friday,” and replace it with “Neither Arbitrary Nor Fun Friday.” It seems to me that there are pluses and minuses associated with this “Truth Commission,” and perhaps we can sort them out here.
Plus: The Truth Commission would restore the rule of law and put a decisive end to the era of systematic torture in the Cheney Archipelago of secret detention sites.
Minus: The Truth Commission would not be bipartisan, and thus would make David Broder cry.
Plus: The Truth Commission would bring U.S. war criminals to justice, and strengthen not only national but international legal standards for conduct during wartime. It will thereby set an indispensable precedent for the treatment of future Yoos and Bybees and Kissingers.
Minus: The Truth Commission would reveal that even though Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded six times a day during March 2003, the U.S. never obtained any evidence for the crackpot Cheney-Mylroie theory that Saddam Hussein had a hand in 9/11. This would make Michael Hayden mad, and it might make Dick Cheney shoot someone in the face.
Plus: The Truth Commission would have profound ripple effects for torture apologists, ranging from Alan “Ticking Time Bomb” Dershowitz to Joe “I Was For Torture A Few Days Before I Was Against It” Lieberman to Duncan “Guantánamo Serves Up Some Fine Lemon Chicken” Hunter, discrediting them irreparably and effectively barring them from public life and public discourse.
Minus: The Truth Commission would cause every the head of every single wingnut in the United States of Chávez to explode. Some would go so far as to offer to be waterboarded for charity.
Hmmm, comrades, this is tougher than I thought it would be when I first sat down to write this post. On reflection, I’m not really seeing any minuses at all. Your thoughts?