Thursday, April 27, 2006
New Rangers VP Sounds Upbeat Note
New York, NY—In what observers are calling a “stunning” development, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, mere hours after tendering his controversial resignation to President George W. Bush, held a press conference at Madison Square Garden to announce that he had accepted the position of Vice President for Public Relations for the New York Rangers. John Rosasco, who had previously held that post, revealed that he will become White House Press Secretary, as former Fox News anchor Tony Snow takes the helm at the Pentagon.
Mr. Rumsfeld brushed off suggestions that the Rangers’ opening-round series against the New Jersey Devils was not going well. “We’re dealing with a few pockets of dead-enders in New Jersey,” he said. “The series may take five, six, eight, ten, twelve games—that’s in the nature of these things. But even though the Devils have slowed our progress, they haven’t stopped it and they’re not going to win. The thought of their prevailing in this conflict is a terrible thought.”
Rumsfeld refused to confirm that Jaromir Jagr would play in game four, remarking, “You know that’s one of those unknown unknowns you can never know about.”
Speaking from an undisclosed location deep in the bowels of Pennsylvania Station, Rumsfeld’s former colleague Dick Cheney agreed that the Devils were in their “last throes,” and added that Devils fans were “objectively pro-evil, as their name implies.”