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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

On the right

Yesterday this humble blog devoted its attention to the left.  Today it’s the right’s turn!

First, in national news, the GOP has officially declared October to be “Homophobia Month”!  That’s now 306 consecutive homophobia months on the official Republican calendar, dating back to the very first one in May 1979.  Check out this lovely item by the talented Michelle Goldberg in Salon on Ohio’s ballot initiative Issue 1, which stipulates that the state “shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance or effect of marriage.” So much for partner health benefits, visitation rights, and all private contracts between cohabiting gay persons!  Let freedom reign-- someplace else!

Second, it’s time to update our What do you like most about Bush? quiz.  Faithful readers of this lowly blog will remember the first version of this quiz, posted on this site in late May:

What is it you like most about the Bush administration and its policies?

___ I like the lying! It turned me on when the President spiked that EPA report on the toxic air quality around Ground Zero, thereby consigning thousands of firefighters, police, Guardsmen, rescue workers, and ordinary citizens to debilitating lifelong respiratory illness!  If people are so worried about a few tiny particles floating around, let them buy those little fiber masks, for goodness’ sake!  Every Ace Hardware sells ‘em.

___ I like the incompetence! It’s so cool the way the President and his advisors blew off legitimate CIA and DIA intelligence on Iraq, and decided instead to take the word of an Iraqi double agent who’s working together with Iranian Islamists.  The post-"Mission Accomplished” occupation of Iraq has been every bit as cool!

___ I like the torture! I came for the tax cuts, but I’m staying for the torture and humiliation of random Arabs from Gitmo to Abu Ghraib!  It’s such a pleasant surprise, and so damn long overdue!  That’ll show whoever-they-all-are that you don’t mess with the U.S.!

___ I like the cuts to veterans’ benefits! Why should a bunch of veterans get all those free medical goodies?  I support the troops, sure, but only by flying a flag from my car.  Don’t come around here asking me to pay more taxes just because some soldier comes home with the sniffles.

___ I like the attacks on overtime pay! I’m sick and tired of people freeloading off the rest of us by working ten or twelve hours a day.  And I’m sick and tired of the way Democrats pander to their special interests.  It’s about time we had a President tough enough to draw the line when it comes to outrageous labor demands!

___ I like the $500 billion deficit! Clinton made me sick with all his feelgood liberal talk about “balancing” the so-called “budget.” Reagan proved that deficits don’t matter!

___ I like the new Medicare plan! Though I wish someone would explain it to me.  What’s this about donuts being covered after two thousand dollars?

___ I like the cowboy hat! I also like the whole Crawford ranch brush-clearing thing.  I think it’s shameful that Bill Clinton left him all that brush to clear.

___ Could you repeat the question? I wasn’t really paying attention.

Back in May, of course, this abject blog had a mere 1000 readers per day, as opposed to the Atrios-fueled 14,000 we welcomed yesterday (personally, I think the whole “Duncan Black” thing is a ruse-- I still say he’s really Sidney Blumenthal, and Christopher Hitchens agrees with me).  But now we have to strike that last option, since everyone is paying attention, and we have to add some post-convention, post-debate options as well.  So:

___ I like the wisdom in the ways of science! It’s about time we had a President who will burn witches if they weigh the same as a duck!

___ I like the yelling! We haven’t had a good Zell-raising, podium-pounding President since Teddy Roosevelt rode his Bull Moose into the sunset!  When Bush starts screaming at people who ask him questions, he lets me know he’s keeping America safe-- from Americans!

___ I like the banana-republic-strongman tactics! It really pisses me off when a couple of holier-than-thou schoolteachers show up at a Bush rally wearing T-shirts that say “protect our civil liberties”! Bless the President for apprehending these loony-left Fifth Columnists and ushering their asses out the door!  Bless the Vice President for having a 54-year-old woman charged with criminal trespass for uttering the word “no” at one of his rallies!  “We chose this phrase specifically because we didn’t think it would be offensive or degrading or obscene,” said Tania Tong, 34, a special education teacher. Yeah, right!  Just like that broad who asked Bush about his “mistakes” in the second debate didn’t know that she was asking a goddamn trick question! If these government-school liberals love Saddam so much, why don’t they ask him to protect their “civil” “liberties”?

And last but not least:

___ I like the steadfastness in the face of terror! I know that President Bush will keep me safe from terrorists who want to destroy our way of life!  Every day, in my own town, I am terrorized by gays and les . . . gays and lesb . . . gays and you-know-whats who demand that I accept their “lifestyle” and give them special rights!  Only George Bush has the courage to hunt these people down and stop them-- while John Kerry wants to feed them a yes-no-maybe bowl of mush!

Remember, dear readers, somewhere between 44 and 49 percent of your fellow Americans are checking one or more of these boxes every day.  (To understand the discrepancies among recent polls, see Tom Burka’s erudite metastatistical explanation of the Gallup method.) So let’s get everyone else out to the polls, OK? 

Kerry/Edwards-- for a saner America.

Posted by Michael on 10/19 at 07:08 AM
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