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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Roger and me

A reader writes in to say: “hey, Michael, did you see that you were recently linked by the brilliant Tom Tomorrow?  It seems that you’d parodied a form of wingnuttery that was then echoed, in precisely so many words, by an actual wingnut.  How about that?”

Well, dear reader, it’s true.  Here’s what happened.  Back on December 21, I’d asked why it is that newly-minted wingnuts adopt all the wingnut positions of the past three or four decades even if they themselves became wingnuts only in the past four years.  And I’d summarized their Campbell’s Condensed Cream of Post-Sixties Wingnuttery like so:

Everything changed for me on September 11.  I used to consider myself a Democrat, but thanks to 9/11, I’m outraged by Chappaquiddick.

Within a month, right on cue, Roger L. Simon and his hat had this to say about the Alito hearings, in a post titled “To the Manor Born”:

The big loser of the confirmation hearings so far is Teddy Kennedy. In his hectoring and tasteless attack on Samuel Alito he has succeeded in nothing but reminding us of his (Teddy’s) past. While Alito may have been associated with a creepy Princeton alumni publication of twenty years ago, Kennedy was associated was something much worse than that—and we all know it. . . .  When Mrs. Alito walked out of the room, I thought of Mary Jo Kopechne.

Leaving aside the pedestrian fact that this is a world-historically stupid thing to say (and also leaving aside the fact that Alito was actually a member of a creepy Princeton alumni organization, not merely “associated” with a “publication,” as well as the fact that it’s “to the manner born,” as in Hamlet I.iv.14, not “manor,” as Simon would know if he knew anything about literature), Simon’s remark has seemed, to some readers, an eerie confirmation of my own—as if, back in December, I was not parodying a wingnutterance so much as predicting it.  One blogger, in fact, finds the coincidence “uncanny” and “creepy,” though I presume he does not mean “creepy” in a creepy-Princeton-alumni kind of way.

Now, I’ll confess that I was fond of the sentence, “I used to consider myself a Democrat, but thanks to 9/11, I’m outraged by Chappaquiddick.” I thought it was clean and economical, and really sort of funny-because-it’s true.  In fact, I liked it so much that I repeated it at the MLA last month, while I was conversing at dinner with Tom Frank (yes, that Tom Frank), Ariel Dorfman (yes, that Ariel Dorfman), and Alexandra Stanton (who happens to be a policy advisor to New York Senate Minority Leader David Paterson). 

But for the record: it is not eerie that Roger Simon said the very same wingnut thing I’d tried to parody back in December.  What’s eerie is that this is now the second time this has happened.

Fifteen and a half months ago, as some of you may recall, I did a six-part series of parody liveblogging at the Republican National Convention.  It was great fun at the time, and installment number two nearly won me a much-coveted Koufax.  (Curse you, Poor Man!  And curse you in especially vivid cursing language, Rude Pundit!) But just as I began to recover from the RNC, I learned that Roger Simon had echoed nearly every single one of my parodic posts with a “real” post of his own.  And so, at once deeply honored and deeply amused, I offered readers a side-by-side comparison way back on September 6, 2004.  Here it is again for all you fans of the eerie, the creepy, and the uncanny:

On the honor and dignity that is Ed Koch:

Me:  For a quarter century, the name “Ed Koch” has been synonymous with integrity and rectitude—he’s a beacon of sanity and light in dark times.  If he says George Bush is our man, I think Democrats should sit up straight and listen.

And Roger Simon:

Koch is my man. He is pro War on Terror and pro same sex marriage. He is a moral man of guts who, as a lifetime Democrat, was willing to speak in favor of Bush.

On the warm and fuzzy feelings of that first moderate and tolerant inclusive compassionate night:

Me:  These people really seem very nice, once you get to meet them. They’re not wild-eyed ideologues—they’re just ordinary folks, sitting there in Madison Square Garden, trying to have a good time. They’re as sensible as you or your grandmother, and all they want is for people to love one another, inclusively, in a big tent that is inclusive.

And Roger Simon:

Listening to Giuliani and McCain last night, I was starting to think, well, this Republican thing ain’t so bad.  Just like when I listen to Lieberman or Evan Bayh I think the same thing about Democrats—hey, these folks make sense.

On Zell Miller, the last honest Democrat in America:

Me:  The Zellraiser started off on fire: “Where is the bipartisanship in this country when we need it most?” he asked. Our nation is being torn apart by Democrats and their obsession to bring down our Commander-in-Chief! And that, my friends, is why we cannot unite the country the way we so desperately want to: these goddamn Democrats are a bunch of soft-bellied traitors! They insist on seeing American soldiers as occupiers, not liberators, when in fact, as Zell pointed out, the soldier, not the reporter, has given us the freedom of the press. Many cheers for this line from the crowd below me in the Garden! Screw those reporters who abuse the freedom of the press! Just like the soldier, not the agitator, has given us freedom of expression. Damn to hell fire those protestors who abuse the privilege of freedom of speech! Real American patriots know that dissent is possible only in America, and therefore unnecessary. Actual dissenters, who don’t bathe very often and who habitually abuse the privilege granted them by the military, are therefore traitors. To Gitmo with ‘em all!

And Roger Simon:

I’d like to log in on Zell Miller. That was one down home stemwinder out of the 1930s he gave and I agreed with pretty much everything he said. I think a lot of the negative reaction comes from the general lack of (or fear of) honesty in polite society. You’re not supposed to say what you think. You’re supposed to mask it.

And finally, last but not least, on how Bush’s War on Terror kicks serious butt whereas Bush’s new War to Teach Our Children the Equation for the Volume of a Cone is lame-ass nanny-state nonsense:

Me:  Leadership is all about “making decisions you think are right, and then standing behind those decisions.” Even when it looks like your decision to invade Iraq was based on the advice of a notorious kleptomaniac who was possibly serving as a double agent for Iranian mullahs, you stand behind your decision, because leadership is all about making decisions you think are right and then standing behind them. Um, I said that already. But that’s all right, because it makes it even more true!! And I stand firm in repeating what I said about leadership!!

. . . Why, why, why would Bush mention the economy at a time like this? I thought the important thing was that he will grab terrorists by the throat. All I wanted to know was whether he would rip out the terrorists’ jugular veins or tear their windpipes from their necks. I didn’t want to hear about whether the economy was staggering under the eight count.

And Roger Simon:

Bush is the opposite [of Kerry], the original WYSIWYG candidate—for good or nil. He knows that too and that’s the best part of him. He said as much at the end of his speech last night, acknowledging many of us don’t agree with him on everything, but still soliciting our votes. I appreciated that candor because I certainly don’t. Of course it’s hard for me to imagine a candidate I would agree with on everything, but I admit I wince particularly when he addresses the social issues. Still, that was hardly a surprise and that is the pill I will have to swallow when I vote for him.

Of course that is also why I enjoyed the stomping War on Terror speeches… Giuliani, Miller, McCain… more than I did the others. I didn’t want to be reminded of the parts of Bush’s program with which I disagree.

So, folks, now you know the real reason I didn’t sign up with Bedwetters Media when I was given the chance last November.  Who wants to write parodies of wingnuttery for an outfit headed by a guy who throws the very meaning of “parodies of wingnuttery” into semiotic crisis?  I mean, think of the position I’d be in.  One week I’d be making up batshit crazy stuff like “I used to consider myself a Democrat, but thanks to 9/11, I’m outraged by Chappaquiddick,” and the next week Roger would be writing, “I used to consider myself a Democrat, but thanks to 9/11, I’m outraged by Chappaquiddick.” Before too long, Roger would be charging me with proleptic plagiarism or unauthorized time travel or something.  I just don’t need the hassle.

However, even though I didn’t sign up with the jammies crowd, I really could use the advertising revenue—especially since my little experiment with BlogAds has generated so little interest in its first month.  So I’ll tell you what.  I’ll offer my potential advertisers a special deal: if you buy blog ads on this site, I promise to let you know what Roger Simon is going to say at least 48 hours before he says it.  No other blogger—nay, not even Roger Simon himself—can make this amazing guarantee. 

Michael Bérubé Online: your best—and first!—source for blogging by Roger Simon.

Posted by Michael on 01/18 at 04:35 PM
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