Tuesday, August 31, 2004
First, folks, a few words about irony. I have employed irony on this site before, back when I was a few miles left of the DemocRATS, that is, a couple of days ago. But irony is an ill wind that bites the hand that feeds our country’s fashionable liberal cynicism. So you are now entering the no-irony zone. You have been warned.
Well, day two at the RNC was a mixed bag. On the one hand, we showcased our diversity. We did tolerance and moderation last night, and in so doing, we opened a six-pack of tall-boy whoop-ass on those French-speaking Democrats and their “intimate friends” in the theater industry and the anti-Christian media. When we do tolerance and moderation, we take no motherlovin’ prisoners! But tonight it was all about diversity. Michael Steele himself was incredibly diverse. The liberal media won’t admit it, but black Republicans are actually much more diverse than black Democrats. You see, since most African-Americans are Democrats, black Democrats are basically just party-line groupthinkers. Black Republicans, by contrast, think for themselves in a way that truly diversifies diversity. And that’s why we put them front and center when we have our conventions-- because, unlike the Rats, we respect them as individuals rather than as members of a group.
And then the highlight of the night, the man we all came to see, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger spells “diversity.” For while the Democrats think Hollywood is the heart and soul of America, Republicans know that the heart and soul of America is someplace else, like a small town in a swing state, or in a quiet, modest house in the country where immigrants are working hard to better themselves by farming the land or pumping iron or something. Arnold Schwarzenegger symbolizes that heart and soul, having risen from humble immigrant iron-pumping origins to fame and success and announcing his candidacy for governor of California on The Tonight Show-- the classic American immigrant’s dream. And as Arnold put it so eloquently tonight, immigrants don’t have to fear the Republican party-- the Republican party loves them. And they don’t have to agree with everything in the Republican party, like, for example, the part of the party that doesn’t love immigrants at all, because we “can respectfully disagree and still be good Republicans.” Now that’s diversity-- and tolerance too!
How do you know you’re a Republican, Arnold asked? If you believe that government should be accountable to the people, instead of the people being accountable to the government, you’re a Republican. Well, no kidding! Again, you won’t hear this from the liberal media, but independent studies have proven that the Bush presidency has been the most accountable presidency ever-- and more than twice as accountable as Clinton’s. In fact, you could say that the “W” in “George W. Bush” stands for “We Have Been Extremely Accountable.”
Also, Arnold said, if you think your family knows how to spend money better than the government does, you’re a Republican. Damn straight, Kindergarten Cop! In the past year, my family has initiated a bold new spending program designed to bolster the alternative-rock industry, and next year we’re unveiling our plan to provide health care for all Americans except the ones who don’t live with us. Also, don’t forget to check out the new Bérubé Turnpike we’ll be building in a town near you. It’ll be a toll road, so that we can raise the funds for the light rail system we’re working on for 2009.
Some of you might doubt that my family can pull this off. Well, some of you might just be economic girlie-men! The kind who get their panties in a bunch about a little deficit here and a little job loss there! You people don’t have health care? You can’t afford a visit to the dentist, you say, and you’ve got this inflammation that you’re worried about? You’re a bunch of fags!! Why not just go to Hollywood and become DemocRATS, you lily-livered gum-inflamed liberal whiners?
Enough about you. This night wasn’t about you. It was about a President who knows how to terminate terrorism. That’s right, you wanted to know if Arnold would say “terminate,” and you got your answer-- we will terminate terrorism. Terrorism will come at us in a big truck carrying crude oil or liquid nitrogen or something, and we’ll crush it in a drill press or maybe shoot it and shatter it into a million pieces, but then the terrorists’ metal forearm will survive and provide scientists with the basis for creating a whole new kind of artificial intelligence, or the liquid-metal terrorist will re-form and we’ll have to shoot it with one of those huge exploding bullets and make it fall backwards into a vat of molten steel, and then we’ll have to send ourselves back into the past (that is, the present) to protect ourselves from the terrorists who want to start a global thermonuclear war, but then it’ll turn out that the war happens anyway, which is kind of complicated, because we thought we’d avoided it when we shot the liquid-metal terrorist with the huge exploding bullet and he fell . . . never mind, that’s not the point, the point is that leadership is all about “making decisions you think are right, and then standing behind those decisions.” Even when it looks like your decision to invade Iraq was based on the advice of a notorious kleptomaniac who was possibly serving as a double agent for Iranian mullahs, you stand behind your decision, because leadership is all about making decisions you think are right and then standing behind them. Um, I said that already. But that’s all right, because it makes it even more true!! And I stand firm in repeating what I said about leadership!!
I do have two quibbles with Arnold’s speech. One, he said, “you don’t reason with terrorists, you defeat them.” Maybe this is one of those moments where he’s respectfully disagreeing with the President, who recently told us (and I’m paraphrasing from memory here) that we can’t win a war on terrorism in a way that winnably defeats terrorists because this is a different kind of conflict than the kind of conflict in which you win a war, but that doesn’t mean we won’t win. But I think Schwarzenegger should have consulted the President about this. And two, he said that “we do not fight for imperialism, we fight for human rights.” I know I’ve only been a Republican for 24 hours now, but I have to press the “respectful disagreement” button here. Screw human rights-- I’m in it for the imperialism. You may be happy right where you are in Sacramento, Arnold, but me, I want one of those no-bid contracts.
Next up were the twins, Barbara and Jenna. And here, I think, is where my new party revealed a genius I didn’t know it had. For years, progressive-left literary types like me used to taunt Republicans: “nyah nyah, nyah nyah,” we suggested, “you don’t know anything about surrealism, nyah nyah, never heard of the European avant-garde, la la la la la la.” We thought we were the last word in urbane sophistication, and that Republicans could not begin to comprehend-- or even catch-- our allusions to figures like Bréton and Bataille. But then along come the Bush twins, and ooh la la, surrealism is born anew! “My Dad already had a chief of staff-- and his name is Andy!” said Jenna. It is beyond humor, it is beyond your petty-ironic Democrat understanding. “Our parents’ favorite term of endearment for each other is Bushy,” they said, following this with “we had a hamster too, but our hamster didn’t make it.” What does this mean? you ask. Foolish liberal Democrats, fretting about “what does this mean, this strange talk of bushes and lost hamsters.” It is not about meaning. It is about the irruption of the unconscious into the very fabric of everyday life, where the eye becomes an egg and the hamster disappears into the bushy undergrowth, there to be transformed into the heart and soul of America. Hah! Now we find that Republican diversity is even more diverse than Michael Steele and Arnold Schwarzenegger-- it extends even to the domain of live performance art, where Barbara and Jenna Bush evoke Bréton and Bataille and Beavis and Butthead in an intertextual performance that leaves you girlie-men cultural-studies Democrats gasping for air. I especially liked the bit about how their parents taught them to respect everyone. Except the people we run against-- them we slime! Heh. Heh heh. Heh.
After Arnold and the twins, Laura was a serious letdown, I have to say. She was not very diverse, and she was not very surrealist either. She did manage to point out that her husband was the very first president to support stem cell research, slapping down that liberal-media Big Lie about how Clinton authorized the research and Bush declared a moratorium on it, and she did manage to be strong and emphatic, not at all shrill and smug like Hitlery, but why did she have to go and mention Vaclav Havel? He’s a foreign leader, and as Rudy G. told us last night, foreign leaders suck eggs. “Democracy requires the participation of everyone,” Havel told Laura. Screw that participatory shit! We have an election to win here. No wonder nobody clapped at that line! Diebold their lame asses, I say, and if there’s a black DemocRAT in Florida who wants to vote, he (or she!) better be ready to recite the Constitution backwards and prove that his (or her!) grandfather wasn’t a Democrat (or a felon, assuming you make the distinction!). And then we have to hear about the President shedding tears as he’s hugged families who’ve lost loved ones? What the hell is this, Oprah? First of all, George Bush would have to have really long arms to hug entire families. And second of all, let’s leave this sensitive, family-hugging crap to John Kerry, whose campaign is based entirely on hugging, nuancing, and reasoning with terrorists. From my leaders I want to hear more about terminating terrorism with huge exploding bullets and time travel, and that’s why I can’t wait to hear Dick Cheney speak tomorrow night.
America moves ahead! And this blog will follow.