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Friday, March 17, 2006

Sequelae

Last week I bought a copy of Entertainment Weekly at one of Durham’s fine supermarkets (not Whole Foods, which gives me chest pain, and which one of my friends calls “Whole Paycheck”).  It was the March 10 issue with the Sopranos on the cover, and I got it because I foolishly believed that my apartment has HBO and that I’d settle in on Sunday night with the Sopranos.  Imagine my dismay last Sunday evening when I suddenly realized that I’d waited twenty-one months for the Sopranos’ final season only to wind up in a one-month rental apartment with no way of watching the show—for I seem to live in a neighborhood where there are no local bars with HBO either.  (Though if there are Sopranos fans in the area, I’ll be more than happy to visit your house on Sundays and give motivational speeches to your children!  I’ll tell them I live in a van down by the river!)

But that’s not why I’m a-bloggin’ today.  I’m a-bloggin’ because that issue of EW has a moderately fun article on the 25 worst movie sequels ever made.  Take it away, Chris Nashawaty:

25.  The Matrix Reloaded
24.  The Next Karate Kid
23.  Porky’s II: The Next Day
22.  Teen Wolf Too
21.  Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde
20.  The Godfather Part III
19.  Revenge of the Nerds III: Nerds in Paradise
18.  Battle for the Planet of the Apes
17.  Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
16.  Ocean’s Twelve
15.  Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
14.  Conan the Destroyer
13.  The Sting II
12.  Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
11.  Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
10.  Jaws: The Revenge
9.  Speed 2: Cruise Control
8.  Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
7.  The Fly II
6.  Weekend at Bernie’s II
5.  Batman and Robin
4.  Blues Brothers 2000
3.  Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha’ Hood
2.  Caddyshack II
1.  Staying Alive

OK, most of these are classic stinkers, but I have two questions.  One, who the hell cares about sequels to Porky’s or Leprechaun or Conan the Barbarian or Weekend at Bernie’s?  Shouldn’t the original be minimally watchable and/or important if the sequel is to be among the 25 worst (let alone the top ten)?  And two, where in the world are The Two Jakes and 2010: The Year We Make Contact? Talk about sequels that crapped all over sublime originals: who can forget Jake walking past an ATM—in 1948?  Or Dr. Chandra’s immortal line, “Whether we are based on carbon or silicon makes no fundamental difference. We should each be treated with appropriate respect”?  Surely there should be a separate category for terrible sequels like these that appear sixteen, seventeen years after their originals.  Which brings me to Terminator 3, which not only undid one of the world’s best sequels after a thirteen-year lag but consigned the talented Clare Danes to the outer darkness as well.  Where’s the hate for Terminator 3?  And I suppose there’s no Blair Witch 2 here because of the Blair Witch backlash.  Wel, I hear that the cool kids are saying that the Blair Witch backlash is so over.

I mean, come on, Entertainment Weekly, you’re supposed to be an “entertainment” “weekly.” You should certainly be able to identify those films that violate the very principle of entertainment.  But then, if you’re not up to the task, my readers are.  That’s today’s Arbitrary but Fun task, folks:  Sequels that Violate the Very Principle of Entertainment!

Have an entertaining weekend, everyone.  And may one or two of the local basketball teams around here enjoy some moderate success in that tournament thing of theirs.

Posted by Michael on 03/17 at 09:03 AM
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