Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Day Three, December 14: The sentencing phrase has begun here. Join in now before all the sentences are taken!
Day Two, December 13: The insolent defendant responds, using fancy jargon words like “affiants.” Fortunately, the prosecution has been joined by the crack legal team of Pandagon & Pharyngula, who have provided us with an extremely useful (and quite comprehensive) litany of additional charges along with a possible sentencing option for you all to consider.
Welcome, WAAGNFNP Friends and Patriots, to the Glorious Chris Clarke Show Trial. (Finally!)
First and foremost, the Ministry of Justice wishes to thank the brilliant if deeply misguided Chris Clarke for volunteering to be the object of the WAAGNFNP’s first-ever Show Trial. (We certainly hope it’s not the last!) And we send our very best wishes to Chris’s beloved dog Zeke.
Now, for those of you in the WAAGNFNP fringe faction who may not have been following closely for the past few months (shame on you!), here’s a brief review.
This is a genuine bona fide internationally sanctioned Show Trial, and therefore the evidence and testimony against the accused must be merciless and overwhelming.
This is not a capital case. The purpose is to have our Wayward One understand the grave nature of his transgressions and repent his crimes against the Party. Once he has done this, he will gratefully affix his name to the Statement of Guilt, accept his punishment, and be welcomed back into the loving fold of the WAAGNFNP family. Remember: we are always already splitting, and always already fused!
ancient two-month-old ritual of Show Trial serves as a form of collective healing for the entire party. We do it this way because if we tried the volcano method, the wingnuts would go batshit crazy on us and have their entire Christianist agenda all up in our grill. I’m sure you know what we mean. (Warning: Language Alert!)
Schedule of events:
Days One and Two will be sworn testimony, accusations, and inquisitions. (Note: Day Two is also
Uniform of Brutality Day Formal Wear Day for the Prosecution.)
On Day Three, the Minister of Justice will declare the defendant “guilty”, and the jury (all of you) will celebrate joyfully as you deliberate punishments for the Guilty One and his depraved Defense Team. At the end of the day, The Guilty One will repent and sign the Statement of Guilt.
Important information regarding sworn testimony:
VERSE AND PROSE WILL HAVE EQUAL WEIGHT IN THE EYES OF THE COURT. Those who find it difficult if not impossible to write in prose will be neither penalized nor rewarded for the form of their testimony/ accusations/ inquisitions. While the villanelle has emerged as the unofficial verse form of the CCST, sestinas and sonnets are also welcome, and we encourage the stately but rarely-used ottava rima. Those who are already writing prose without knowing it may continue to do so.
Our Show Trial Patron Demon, Lord Astaroth, Prince of Accusers and Inquisitors, is our VIP guest for this distinguished proceeding. He is here to lend guidance and inspiration to the Loyal Prosecution, which should be nearly all of you. He reminds us not to forget to engage in plenty of “inquisiting” as well as accusing, so be sure to ask plenty of hard-hitting show trial-worthy questions. Questions that are more comments than questions® are also appropriate.
Finally, by participating in the Glorious CCST, you accept the following oath:
I do solemnly swear upon the Immortal Vision of Gojira, that I will faithfully and honestly testify in the Chris Clarke Show Trial as ordered by the Highest Court of the WAAGNFNP and its Minister of Justice.
And I do sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Astaroth.* (Warning: Imagery Alert!)
*Under WAAGNFNP Show Trials Rules, the “truth” (especially for the Prosecution) includes but is not limited to: truth, truthiness, speculation and supposition, insinuation and innuendo, ad hominem invectives, wildly unsubstantiated rumors, hearsay, vindictiveness or “payback,” and “burning the straw man.” Also, feel free to just make stuff up!
The Court is now in session.
Yours in Service,
Minister of Justice
We Are All Giant Nuclear Fireball Now Party
Chris Clarke Show Trial Poster artistically executed by peter ramus
Original artwork of Astaroth (detail) by Central Content Publisher
Photograph of 3Tops (detail) by Bill Benzon
A production of the WAAGNFNP and its affiliated Secular Elitist Ministries.