Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Skeptics gather for scientific conference
Washington, DC, Aug. 4, 2030 – Scientists and political analysts converged today for the First Annual Heartland Institute Conference on the Evolution of the Gulf of Mexico. Building on the Heartland Institute’s groundbreaking work on climate change, the conference aims to challenge the widespread belief that recent changes in the ecosystem of the Gulf are “manmade” in origin.
“Mass extinctions are a fact of life in the natural world,” noted Heartland Institute president Joseph L. Bast. “Indeed, the emergence of human life on Earth would not have been possible without them. Similarly, complex chemicals are the foundation of all life, nature’s own building blocks. Understanding the evolution of the Gulf of Mexico, we believe, will go a long way toward combating the spread of the AGW (Anthropogenic Gulf Waste) hoax among scientists and policymakers.”
President Cuccinelli videotaped a welcome message to open the conference, praising conferees for their “courage” in the face of “harassment and intimidation.” “Don’t be afraid of the label ‘Gulf skeptics,’” Cuccinelli advised the group. “Skeptics are the winners of every scientific debate, always, everywhere. Because skepticism, as T.H. Huxley said, is the highest calling of a true scientist.”
George Will, the first day’s keynote speaker, noted that if the United States were to proceed with long-delayed plans to repopulate the Gulf with marine life, it would cause “more preventable death and suffering than was caused in the last century by Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Obama, Pelosi, and Pol Pot combined.”
Bast seconded Will’s remarks, adding, “It takes more than four Norwegian socialists to win a Pulitzer Prize, so I’ll put George Will’s Pulitzer Prize and his Bradley Prize up against Al Gore’s Nobel any day.”
The issue of Gulf evolution has sharply divided Congress in recent months, as Democrats and Republicans continue to spar over the likely causes of Gulf evolution. “I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I do think it’s possible that the long-term toxicity levels in the Gulf of Mexico may have something to do with the events of 2010,” said Senate Tiny Minority Leader Jack Reed (D.-RI), chair and only member of the Congressional Progressive Caucus. “It seems plausible enough to warrant further scientific investigation.”
But Speaker of the House Bristol Palin (R.-AK) disputed Reed’s claim, pointing out that the “oil eruption in the Gulf” is part of a “natural geological process.” “I refudiate the irresponsible claim that we brought this on ourselves,” said Palin via iMind transmission. “We don’t go around blaming people every time a volcano erupts, and volcanoes are far more destructive than anything that happens underwater.”
Amity Shlaes of the nonpartisan Institute for Advanced Equivocation sought a “middle ground” between the sparring parties, acknowledging that while it is necessary to avoid the “regulatory zeal” that might damage the sputtering American economy, it is nevertheless possible that the Obama Administration had some role in the events of 2010. “It now looks as if Obama deserves at least some of the blame,” said Shlaes during a breakout session at the Heartland conference. “The East Anglia JournoList emails are pretty damning. It appears to me that investigative reporter Ben Shapiro has uncovered an active conspiracy among liberal journalists to deflect attention away from Barack Obama at the very outset of the crisis, which turned out not to be a crisis after all, despite liberal hysteria.”
John Stossel took a different approach in his blistering closing speech to the Heartland Institute conference. “A small group of elite scientists have been trying to control public discourse for decades,” he said to thunderous applause, “and it’s time for the people to reclaim their freedoms. The same experts who told us that ‘evolution’ is not just a theory now refuse to accept the very notion that the ecosystem of the Gulf of Mexico can evolve. The explanation? Liberal hypocrisy, once again, liberal hypocrisy across the board.”
The Heartland Institute has announced that next year’s conference will be held in New New Orleans.