Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Venezuela Annexes U.S., Opens Training and Education Camps
Caracas-on-Potomac, DC—Moving to consolidate his recent takeover of the government of the United States, former Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez announced today that the country would be renamed the “United States of Chávez” and that select groups of Chávezian citizens would be invited to participate in “training programs” designed to make them happier and more productive members of the new society.
“Although the transfer of power from your Barack Obama to myself was peaceful, I am aware that there remain pockets of resistance throughout the countryside,” Chávez said through a translator. “I am therefore declaring a state of emergency, which I believe will be handled effectively by your Federal Emergency Management Agency. Anyone who has questions about the new regime or about my emergency tax initiative should register with the agency by boarding the nearest FEMA bus in their neighborhood, powered by Citgo, and signing up for my exciting new training program.”
Chávez did not elaborate on the details of the program, but recently-installed Minister for Peace Ernesto “Che” Guevara suggested in a separate interview that every effort would be made to educate and inform the people. “We have noticed lately that many of your ‘tea-bag’ protestors do not understand the tax code,” Guevara said while posing for a T-shirt portrait. “For example, they believed that your Obama’s tax cut was in fact a tax increase. Many of them were unable to explain the difference between income tax and excise tax. We therefore want to make sure that they fully grasp the ramifications of the new 100 percent tax rate, and that they understand why we have dissolved your so-called ‘stock market.’ Our new slogan, ‘no capital gain, no capital pain,’ should be visible on banners in public locations by the end of the month, beginning with the First National Bank of Chávez.”
Many Caracas-on-Potomac observers were stunned by the speed at which the new Chávez government was moving, noting that his “bloodless coup” had occurred only a few days ago. “It began with a simple handshake,” said Jake Tapper, formerly of ABC News, now a reporter with the nation’s only newspaper, El Diario La Prensa (USC). “Before we knew what was happening, Obama was reading Eduardo Galeano’s Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent. From there, we understand, it was only a short step to Noam Chomsky’s Year 501: The Conquest Continues, thence to Hegemony or Survival and Failed States. Apparently, it was when Obama realized that he was leading not only a leading terrorist state but actually a failed state that he agreed to turn the reins over to Chávez.”
In a related development, Department of Homeland Security officials discovered a videotape left by former television commentator Glenn Beck, who was recently detained and held for education. Though the tape consisted mostly of screams of “I told you so”and “you thought I was crazy, didn’t you, didn’t you,” DHS director Daniel Ortega said that he believed Beck could be “useful” in the future “if his considerable talents could be turned to good purpose.” “The new DHS report on terrorism should be ready within six to eight weeks,” Ortega said in a rambling 50-minute address, “and we hope that when he is fully educated and released, Señor Beck will do his best to help us keep track of homeland terror groups and promote domestic tranquility.”
Red State Strike Force leader Erick Erickson, blogging from a location as yet undetected by the Chávez Bureau of Investigation, urged resistance to the new regime. “Patriots! Wolverines! We finally have a cause worthy of our name,” Erickson wrote. “And just like the Spartans in 300, we will never give up, never surrender. And to everyone who mocked us for sounding the alarm about Hussein al-Obama, for soiling our armor about that handshake—and also for soiling our armor about that Spanish book, and also about people who speak Spanish, like that Jose Padilla—we were right!!! Let this tragic episode be a lesson to all you appeaseniks and nanny-state liberals: it begins with dish detergent. It leads to the gulag. But it stops with the invincible bloggers of the Strike Force.”