Wednesday, October 15, 2008
We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog
Special guest post by Senator John McCain (R.—Arizona)
My friends, I don’t understand what’s going on.
Look, I did everything they told me to do. Absolutely everything. They said that the ideal “50+1” ticket combines a sociopathic liar and an inarticulate, born-again wingnut, and I went ahead and got them both in one perky attractive package, a moose-dressin’ maverick and a hockey mom to boot. And now they’re all turning on her, like that pantywaist from the New York Times. “Oh, she’s not prepared,” they say. “She doesn’t know about stuff and her answers to questions don’t make any sense.” WTFing F? Like anybody gave a shit about this with Quayle or Baby Bush? And the economy! God damn every goddamn thing to hell. They told me—Christ in a chicken basket, they swore to me I wouldn’t have to know anything about the damn economy. They assured me that I could tell “the base” anything at all, just so long as I promised to cut their taxes and say my big thing about earmarks. You know, you will know their names. You will know their names: sonofabitch, that was supposed to be my entire fricking economic agenda. “If you get stuck,” that Holtz-Eakin dweeb said, “just make some shit up. Talk about offering a tax credit for all amortized debenture stock options and getting government out of the way and letting families choose. They’ll love it.” And now people want me to deal with this fiscal “crisis,” which means I have to look out at all those whiners every goddamn day and tell them I feel their pain or some shit. It’s just degrading. Don’t these people know that I served my country?
And then this crap about how I’m running a “disgraceful campaign.” Disgraceful campaign? Negro, please. That sniveling coward Baby Bush didn’t even bother to complete his National Guard dodge, and he still managed to get a bunch of B-list Nixon henchmen to slander John Kerry and sling the shit about his war record. Four years ago, plenty of people called Kerry a traitor and a lying SOB because of his Winter Soldier testimony to Congress, and the media lapped it up. Why, that Sinclair outfit actually announced it was going to order all its stations to broadcast that Swift Boat extravaganza “Stolen Honor,” and the New York Times was cool with that. Actually, they said the damn thing “should be shown in its entirety on all the networks, cable stations and on public television.” Goddammit to hell, what would be the equivalent of that shit today? A prime-time special devoted to the question of whether Barack Obama secretly wrote Fugitive Days and Soul On Ice? And then there were those purple-heart band-aids at the convention in New York. Michelle Malkin going on TV to suggest that Kerry’s wounds were self-inflicted. Cheney going around saying that a vote for Kerry was a vote for terrorism. Jesus’ mother, I can’t believe I’m getting shit for a little whooping and yelling in my crowd.
Well, like I say, I don’t get it. Apparently the world has changed somehow and nobody told me, because this stuff always worked just fine til now. Goddamn. I guess I have to do something dramatic tonight. Again. If you all have any ideas, whiners, now’s the time.
Oh, yeah, thanks to Michael Barude for letting me guest-google on his Internet.