Tuesday, May 10, 2005
White House announces new Social Security plan
WASHINGTON—White House press secretary Scott McClellan said today that President Bush would soon unveil a revised plan for saving Social Security, one that ties the concept of “progressive indexing” to the Food and Drug Administration’s recent ruling that any man who has engaged in homosexual sex in the previous five years should be barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor.
Under the new plan, an individual’s Social Security eligibility would be calibrated on a sliding scale which establishes an inverse relation between qualifying for future Social Security benefits and participating in anal sex.
McClellan called the FDA ruling an “inspiration” for the President. “President Bush has always believed that gay sperm are a threat to the American family,” he said in today’s press briefing. “Now we’re prepared to show that gay men are a threat to the solvency of Social Security as well. Without progressive indexing for gay sex, Social Security will collapse.”
Gay-rights groups immediately denounced the plan. Kevin Cathcart, executive director of Lambda Legal, called it “policy based on bigotry.”
The White House, however, denies that the plan is discriminatory. “We’re not saying that gay men aren’t eligible for Social Security,” said one high-ranking official. “It’s pegged very specifically to individual behavior. If you have anal sex half the time, say, you still qualify for fifty percent of your Social Security benefits. And if you want your full benefits, all you really have to do, under this plan, is say no to sodomy.”
Treasury Secretary John Snow, in a separate statement, pointed out that the Social Security system will be “bankrupt” in 2042 unless critical steps are taken now to “strengthen” the program. “The fact is Social Security will go broke when our young workers get ready to retire,” said Snow. “Every year we wait the problem becomes worse for our children. The time to act is now, to make sure that today’s anal-sex-havers do not drain the system and necessitate benefit cuts for the rest of us.”
At the same time, Secretary Snow insisted that “all options are on the table,” including a provision exempting gay Republican officeholders from the plan, on the condition that they oppose gay rights.
On Capitol Hill, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R.- Tenn.) lashed out at the Administration’s critics. “The Democrat party is denouncing this plan even before it’s been officially announced,” he said. “They don’t know any of the details, and they’re already playing politics with this issue. Where is their plan? What are liberals doing about the anal sex crisis that threatens Social Security? All they say is ‘there is no anal sex crisis.’ That’s not a plan, and the American people know it.”
One White House official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the Administration is still unsure of what to do about lesbians. “We figured out that we don’t have to worry about them as sperm donors,” said the official, “but Social Security is a whole different ballgame. We’re thinking of maybe making every other lesbian eligible, and letting them fight it out. We think that would be hot. But right now we just don’t know. Everyone here has been focused exclusively on anal sex, and we don’t really have a plan for lesbians. All we know is that it was terrible that John Kerry said that word.”