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Monday, September 25, 2006

Who’s Out to Get You?

Hey folks!  Bill O’Reilly has a brand new book that bids fair to edge out Dinesh D’Souza for the division title and qualify for the World Series of Stupid!  In this book, Culture Warrior (published, like D’Souza’s The Enemy at Home, by Random House’s innovative new Spinning Wingnut Division) the Man Who Made Felafel Famous strikes back against America’s “secular-progressive” conspiracy!

Now, if this were a serious kind of blog, I would no doubt make some kind of serious point right about now—something to the effect of how O’Reilly’s premise, like D’Souza’s, relies on nothing other than the logic of U. No.’s bold and brilliant graphic novel of 2005, “Discover the Networks,” in which secular progressives (and film critics like Roger Ebert) are the domestic-enemy counterparts to our neither-secular-nor-progressive enemies abroad—and therein lies the hidden link between Rob Reiner and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi!

And if this were a petulant, I-told-you-so kind of blog, I would no doubt get all huffy right about now, especially at people who think it’s not worth the time and effort to pay attention to the spittle-flecked maniacs of the right, or who’ve told me (at various points over the last fifteen years) that the culture wars are distractions from business as usual.  Because you know what?  From Bill O’Reilly (to whom I will not refer by his initials, because this might well be construed as a slur against sensible, upstanding Malodorous- Americans everywhere) all the way up to Dick Cheney, calling liberals traitors is business as usual.

But this is not a serious blog, and it is not a petulant, I-told-you-so kind of blog.  It doesn’t engage in any sneaky duplicitous speech acts, either, the kind where it says something it’s not saying, or says it’s not saying something it is saying.  Not at all!  Well, hardly ever.  This is a happy-go-lucky mockery blog, so we’re gonna give Billy O. the same treatment we gave U. No. when he discovered his networks.

For example.  The far-left smear site Media Matters claims that O’Reilly’s new book amounts to an “enemies list.” At the outset of the book, Billy O. writes:  “Because I criticize what I consider to be dishonest and unfair media, and extremist pundits on both the right and the left as well as corrupt and/or ineffective politicians, there is no shortage of people trying to marginalize me, or worse, destroy me.” And if you check the list of Beleaguered Billy’s enemies with which Media Matters provides you, well, it looks pretty damn long—and kinda wacky and daffy.  Media Matters lists seventy-nine entries, including not only eighteen U.S. city newspapers from the New York Times to the St. Petersburg Times, but entire national broadcasting networks like the BBC and the CBC!

But this happy blog is—uh—happy to announce that it has discovered the full and complete list of everyone who is trying to marginalize or destroy (or marginalize and destroy) the brave guy who’s looking out for you.  We hereby provide it you free of charge, as a public service.  All we ask is that you add a few more names to it and pass it along down one of the available Internet tubes:

* ACLU
* Air America host Al Franken
* Michael Savage
* The New York Times
* Air America Radio
* Boston Globe
* Washington Post
* Baltimore Sun
* Atlanta Journal-Constitution
* Miami Herald
* New Orleans Times-Picayune
* St. Louis Post-Dispatch
* Kansas City Star
* Minneapolis Star Tribune
* Houston Chronicle
* Denver Post
* Seattle Post-Intelligencer
* The Oregonian
* San Francisco Chronicle
* Sacramento Bee
* Los Angeles Times
* St. Petersburg Times
* New York Times
columnist Maureen Dowd
* New York Times columnist Paul Krugman
* New York Times columnist Bob Herbert
* New York Times columnist Frank Rich
* New York Times columnist George Vecsey
* New York Times copyeditor Milton Waddams
* MoveOn.org
* Dave Chappelle
* Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA)
* Huckleberry Finn
* Roger Baldwin, founder of the ACLU
* Anthony Romero, executive director of the ACLU
* Elizabeth Cady Stanton
* University of California-Berkeley professor George Lakoff
* Atlanta Journal-Constitution columnist Harris Green
* Howard Dean
* Tia Carrere
* Progressive financier George Soros
* Progressive financier Peter Lewis
* The Hanson brothers
* Thomas Pynchon
* Harvard Law School professor Alan Dershowitz
* Julie Andrews
* New York Daily News entertainment columnist Jack Matthews
* Dallas Morning News columnist Macarena Hernandez
* far-left Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen
* Denver Post columnist Cindy Rodriguez
* Bullwinkle Moose
* Dan Rather
* Jackson Pollock
* Tom Brokaw
* Wynton Marsalis
* Ted Koppel
* Lindsay Beyerstein
* ABC News producer Rick Kaplan
* Neil Young
* Neil Kinnock
* Walter Cronkite
* Brian Eno
* Bill Moyers
* Gary Numan
* Canadian Broadcasting Corp.
* British Broadcasting Co.
* The swarthy foreigner at the newspaper stand at 46th and Sixth who won’t look at me when he gives me my change
* Newsweek senior editor and columnist Jonathan Alter
* Ann Coulter
* David Gates and Bread
* New York Times Magazine columnist Randy Cohen
* New York Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger III
* New York Times Magazine crossword puzzle
* New York Times executive editor Bill Keller
* The 1973-74 Washington Bullets
* Sam Donaldson
* Jon Stewart
* Lee Siegel
* Sprezzatura
* New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof
* New York Times assistant editor Adam Cohen
* Bil Keane’s Family Circus
* Philadelphia Inquirer columnist Jeff Gelles
* Philadelphia Inquirer editorial board
* Associated Press television writer Frazier Moore
* The cast and crew of Friends
* Atlanta Journal-Constitution editorial page editor Cynthia Tucker
* The L train to Canarsie
* Washington Post columnist Harold Meyerson
* Cher
* CNN
* Ted Turner
* Sideshow Bob
* National Public Radio host Terry Gross
* Maya Angelou
* Jane Fonda
* Christopher Walken
* Jeremy Glick, author and son of 9-11 victim Barry Glick
* Sir Edmund Hillary
* Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan
* Gloria Gaynor
* Filmmaker Michael Moore
* Patti Smith
* Barbra Streisand
* Washington State Supreme Court
* Charlie Watts
* Associated Press
* Spuds McKenzie
* Ninth Circuit Judge Stephen Reinhardt
* The “majority” of the Vermont press
* Christo
* Susan Sarandon
* Steve Buscemi
* George Clooney
* House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi (CA)
* Ludacris
* Alec Baldwin
* Newsday columnist Jimmy Breslin
* The woman who wouldn’t say hello to me when I got into the shower with her
* David Letterman

OK, good people, you know what to do!  Have fun—and be happy!

Posted by Michael on 09/25 at 08:02 AM
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